Powerlessly holding onto my pulse to make sure I didn’t die…

July 27th: I was putting into words what seems like a life-message:


About 9 or 10 years ago on New Year’s Eve I, “had a little too much fun”, and hallucinated that my heart had stopped. I spent the rest of the night with my hand on my jugular vein confirming beat by beat that I was still alive and hadn’t ruined New Year’s Eve for my whole family forever. From that day on, my heartbeat felt weird. It felt like it was beating with only three chambers or it was beating to a weird rhythm or it would miss beats or something. This information will feel out of place for now but stay with me.

I’ve been dialoguing quite a bit with Holy Spirit this past week or so about provision. I think it’s interesting that the One who is infinite made the decision to interact with us and when He did, we asked Him what His name is. What a beautiful juxtaposition of standing! The finite asking the infinite to define itself with one word. He gave us a whole bunch of names because He wanted us to understand who He is. One of those names was our Infinite Provider, Jehovah Jirah.

So, about a week ago or so, I told Holy Spirit that this whole road to BSSM would be a lot easier and better for me if I just had all the money that I’ll need to get to and through what He’s told me we’re doing.

He responded with, “But then your peace of mind would be found in the money you have in your bank account.”

So I began to redefine my surroundings and my circumstance from the perspective of the Heaven realm. See, I thought that I was in dire need of copious amounts of money in order to be able to be obedient. But actually, I have an opportunity that is completely unique within the scope my lifetime. There’s an invitation to an encounter here.

I have the opportunity to have Him ground my peace of mind in Himself. In fact, He has a gift for me. It’s genuine peace of mind. The peace of mind that exists in ultimate reality is only ever rooted and grounded in Him. (Because of the nature of who He is – He doesn’t change.) He wants me to have this genuine peace of mind and He knows the exact process to put me through to give it to me.

Part of this process was stumbling across a video online called, “Science has proven the existence of the biblical God”. The biblical God says certain things about Himself. He’s everywhere, in everything, created the universe, is intimately involved with us, etc. We’ve discovered certain things in the universe that do fit this description but we’ve labeled them the forces of nature or the laws of physics. Y’know, the big bang happened and the catalyst to make it happen was the forces of nature and the laws of physics right? Our definitions are based on what we’ve observed and we’ve observed less than a fraction of a percentile of a percentile of the data in the universe. Anyway, this set me to wondering how I’ve under defined God.

Then on Tuesday, He said,

“Hey Jeff, do you beat your own heart?”

“No I don’t. The natural order of things causes my brain to take care of it without me having to consciously do it.”

Now wait a second. If God is actively engaged, in fact, if the forces of nature and the natural order of things are God (in the same way my fingernail is me), then I suppose I’d have to say God beats my heart.

His provision extends vastly beyond what we know or experience. Since each heart beat is His provision to me then He feeds the cells of my body like a shepherd feeding sheep. Every heartbeat has His hand on it and every breath is miraculous.

Three nights ago I went to bed and He took me back to that night all those years ago where I was powerlessly holding onto my pulse to make sure I didn’t die and He said, “This was the moment you stopped trusting me to beat your heart for you.”

His kindness expressed towards me caused repentance in my heart that only needed to last less than a second and in an instant, my heartbeat kind of clicked and went back to normal. Now every time my heart beats, it carries with it the truth that I continue to exist because He wills it.


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