I wrote this on September 22nd. BSSM had just started and I had no idea just what I was getting myself into…
He’s always on time and He’s never late.
He’s never been out of control.
Tonight I tried to write a little update where I let my community know that I need money because I was stressing out. Realistically, this is all a trust walk so I’m gonna consistently need money to buy food and pay rent throughout this entire year. I don’t have enough money to provide the essentials for my time here.
My post that I wrote just wouldn’t post. My computer got the rainbow wheel of death when I tried to post it, or the photo wouldn’t upload. It was all kind of supposed to feel frustrating but sort of didn’t.
Anyway, moments after I realized that I’d lost everything I wrote, someone messaged me asking me how they can give money. At first I was like, wow, my post must have been successful. Then I realized that it never posted.
When people ask me how I’m doing I don’t know how to respond. BSSM is known to be an environment that brings up all of your insecurities and secret shame and all of the things you didn’t even know were there. The first little while in BSSM is apparently insanely painful and vulnerable. At the same time, to have those things dealt with and gone is freeing and amazing.
So I’m simultaneously the best and worst I’ve ever been.
Here’s a Bill Johnson quote: Once we experience miraculous provision, we give up the right to ever again operate from the perspective of lack.
When I look back at all the ways He’s so lovingly provided for me it really does put me into a place where it’s possible for me to believe that my current situation doesn’t actually reflect the current reality.
The other night, I was about to tell some girls I was walking with that I probably couldn’t go to somewhere like South Korea on the missions trip because I didn’t have enough money. Then I realized how ridiculous that was. I came to Redding without tuition for school. Two weeks before I got here I had $100 to my name and no way of getting here. In May I had nowhere to live and no money for rent or food. In London back in 2013, I had no media industry qualifications. So, how dare I say I don’t have enough of anything.
Clearly, what I have cannot be defined by the current amount of money in my hands.