Wait, I’m WHO in that dream?

This past week I’ve shared a bunch of posts I wrote before coming to California so I thought it’s about time I write something new.

When one is, “in process”, it can be a little tricky to figure out what to share with people. Especially when the process is working to cut away everything that stands between the foundations of your heart and the Infinite Lover. I’ve decided that on the back of my last post about blasting outwardly beyond the predefined borders of my reality, I’d share a glimpse into an encounter I had with Holy Spirit last week.

In BSSM we get to have one elective class each term. School is split into four terms and we’ve just begun the third. In the first term I took a class called, “Cultivating the Presence and the Miraculous”, led by Joaquin Evans. (I hope I spelled his name correctly). The second term I took, “Loving Yourself Well”, with Abi Stumvoll and Carl Richards. This third term I’m taking, “Mysteries with Holy Spirit and the Angelic”, and I’m also going to Cultivating the Presence again because I like it. I like the Presence of God because it’s Him.

So, this new class, I’ll affectionately call, “Mysteries”. The lady leading Mysteries might be the wackiest child of God I’ve ever come across. I’m sure I’ll post more of the amazing ridiculousness from this class as time goes on but for the purpose of this post I’m just going to get to the point. At some point in the class she stopped and said,

“What are you guys hoping to get from this class?”

Most people said, “Weird Holy Spirit encounters”, or “third heaven revelation”…

“Ok. And why do you want that? Cos if you want that in order to gain status amongst your peers that’s the wrong reason to want something like that from Him.”

I think in my own mind I gave the programmed response. Of course the reason I want really weird encounters and out-of-body experiences is intimacy. Yeah. That’s right. Intimacy. Definitely not in order to gain status over other people. Certainly not to look like a big man, one of God’s favourites. Absolutely not in order to feed my own need for significance.

When the class ended I left and proceeded to be upset for no reason all day. I went to the third year students in my revival group to chat at some point during the school day and shared that I was upset for no reason. We all tried to figure it out and they prayed for me and I felt a bit better. I went on with the day feeling weirdly off and then went to Cultivating the Presence that afternoon. I laid on the floor and asked Holy Spirit what was going on with me. He showed me almost immediately that I was upset because that morning I’d been confronted with a truth about how my pursuit of God has been at least partially about gaining status with people. I didn’t like this part of my heart. In fact, I was pretty sure that since that was true of me, then that part of me was unlovable and then probably that makes me fundamentally unlovable right?

Then Holy Spirit said, “You’re upset because you think the reason I brought this issue up is that I’m offended by this part of your heart. I’m not and that’s not why I brought it up. I brought it up because I want to be more intimate with you and this thing is standing in the way. You feel unlovable there so why don’t you use the tools you got from Loving Yourself Well and spend a minute loving that part of yourself.”

So I did. I engaged myself with compassion and loved the part of my heart that desired wacky God encounters in order to be big and important and cool and important and super awesome to other people. Then Holy Spirit said, “Y’know, I’d like to love that part of your heart too.”

So I let Him.

I felt Him pour into a deeper layer of my being. He wanted to be more intimate and He got it. He moved His furniture into my guts.

So, how does this relate to breaking the outward boxes of our realities? Well, it relates to breaking boxes but it relates to breaking inward boxes of reality.

I really believed of myself that my spiritual hunger for the presence of God was more hardcore than other people. I wanted wacky things because I hungered for God better than other people. This disgustingness was a defence mechanism designed to keep a part of my heart hidden even from myself. It was His kindness to show it to me, which brought me to repentance, which brought me into what my heart hadn’t even dared hope for: a vastly more beautiful closeness. An exponentially greater nearness. Connection of more value than all the esteem of all the people in the world. Deeper than I’d been able to imagine inside my internal box I’d defined reality with.

If someone had tried to explain it to me, I’d have been like the girl in my dream from the last post. I’d tell them they were crazy to talk about the vastness of the sky like that. The sky was right there. Observable. Stagnant. Cold. Turns out, that dream was more about me than I knew. I was the girl in that dream and I’m seeing the sky for the first time and I’m never going back into the box again.

Holy Spirit, the Infinite Lover, the Great Pursuer, knows you and made you to be loved. He knows exactly what to do to break you out of the boxes that stand between the foundations of your heart and the Infinite Love. All He needs from you is your yes.

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