On June 18, 2015, I had left the UK and was, “stuck”, in Toronto and I wrote this:
I’ve never been told by God to do anything dangerous before.
That’s the true statement but the first way I was going to write it was, “I’d never been…”
When He first told me not to get a job but to use my time wisely, it was peculiar but not scary because I had money in my bank account that would keep me safe. When the money began running out, I’d go back to Him on nearly a daily basis and ask if I could get a job now. He’d always respond with, “No, use your time wisely. This season is a gift.”
I began to question my ability to hear Him because the season didn’t feel like a gift. Perhaps I was just cracking under pressure and succumbing to mental illness. Maybe if I continued listening to this voice in my mind it would lead me to homelessness. Maybe even death. How could I know this voice was God?
“Do you know that it’s not your job? Me speaking to you, I mean.”
“It’s My job to speak to you.”
“Do you think I’m unaware of how well you’ve heard or understood Me? Do you think I’m unable to communicate with you in a way you’ll hear and understand? Is My arm so short that I’m unable to even properly communicate with my extravagantly loved son? Am I so evil that I’d lead you into a wilderness to abandon you to die? When I told you that you’re not an orphan was I lying?”
This went on for a while and my wrong perceptions of who He is began to melt away. I was the guy sitting on a bench next to Lake Ontario silently weeping into his sunglasses. Then He said,
“If a newborn is dropped, who do you blame?”
“Well, that’s horrific.”
“Yup, who do you blame?”
“The parent obviously.”
“Because the newborn doesn’t understand what gravity is, doesn’t know anything about injury, might not even be self aware yet and lacks the muscular strength to physically push its way out of it’s adult’s arms.”
“So why do you think you’ll be able to wriggle your way out of My plan and purpose for you through honest misunderstanding or honest mishearing?”
“Because I’m a man and not a child.”
“But I’m so vastly bigger than You that the only metaphor to describe the situation is the newborn-parent picture. I have GOT you. Regardless of what it might look like.”
“But I’m running out of money.”
“You’ve spent your entire life letting the amount of money in your bank account dictate what is possible. What is possible is defined by the words that come out of My mouth and not the amount of money you currently have in your little hands.”
Matthew 7:9-11 – Paraphrased – So if you find within your fallen, broken self the desire to exercise goodness towards your physical offspring – consider then how your perfect Father must desire to exercise His perfect goodness towards you when you reach for Him.